


Santes Dwynwen

by straeon



Category: People of the Valley, Pobol y Cwm
Genre: M/M, One Off, dydd santes dwynwen, saint dwynwen's day
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-30
Updated: 2019-02-20
Packaged: 2019-10-16 04:46:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17542922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/straeon/pseuds/straeon
Summary: Can the Patron Saint of Lovers bring Alun and Eifion back together?





	1. Chapter 1

Dydd Santes Dwynwen rolls around again. For most people a chance to be confused as hell that it's exactly a month after Christmas and nearly February (nearly Valentine's Day for people who actually celebrate that.) For others a chance to share some Welsh folklore on their social media.

Saint Dwynwen's Day. Who even actually celebrates it?

Though who even _really_ celebrates Valentine's Day? And why? To make single people hate them?

Or romantic people. People in love.

But Eifion wouldn't know about that; not any more.

 

The image of him flashed before him in his mind's eye before he could stop it - of who he would celebrate with. Who he probably would be celebrating with if he hadn't already managed to entirely fuck that up. It wouldn't just be silly holidays like St Dwynwen's Day or Valentine's Day, they could celebrate everything together - Eifion getting his job back, getting to see his children, even winning a holiday in a Christmas raffle, Christmas itself, or Alun getting a promotion at work, his birthday, them being together again or at all...

He was paying for it now - his complete fuck up. Spending every holiday alone. Or sometimes with Mathew's pitying company, like over Christmas. (Or delivering the odd baby of Halloween.) And Mathew himself could have female company himself, over Christmas or today - he probably did, actually.

Eifion could probably do the same - find some female or male company, probably with the help of an app. Of course there was the guy he'd been meeting regularly but... But it'd only be a distraction, from seeing loved up couples in the pubs all weekend. It fell on a Friday so people would be going out all weekend. Cadno would have made him go to Y Deri for a meal, if they were still together, if she was still here. Not the most romantic of places but Cadno was only romantic to a point. Too practical to be too romantic.

Going to the pub and seeing any of those couples - especially normal, straight couples - reminding him what he used to have and how he was now on his own. Even if he saw Iolo and Tyler celebrating... Well, it would probably be worse. Being faced with the fact that he _could_ be happy, the fact that him _not_ being happy had nothing to do with his sexuality, but everything to do with his own shitty decisions. Then he'd end up taking that out on them, out of resentment, like he nearly always did.

As he reluctantly left Penrhewl - not wanting to at all but having errands which forced him to have to go to the village - he couldn't stop himself from glancing at the love spoon which still resided in the kitchen.

The wooden spoon, with intricate patterns of hearts carved into it. Cadno assumed he'd made it for her but of course he'd bought it. But it was fake, like everything else about their life together.

 

Eifion walked through the village with his head down, hands in his pockets, only seeing the grey pavements before him - sending out the clear message to everyone to not bother him.

Awkwardly, he had to go APD Builders to get supplies for the farm, but he had surely already made up for the incident of a couple of weeks ago. Maybe Mathew would be there anyway. And at least it was the least romantic place he could go to.

With that thought on his mind when he entered the shop, of course he walked in on Mathew getting cosy that girl from the new family in town.

"Uh, you better go, Tesni," Mathew said, slowly pushing her away with his hands on her shoulders. He shot Eifion a sheepish look.

"No," Tesni said. stepping back but with a determined look on her face. "And hi," she said, turning to Eifion with a friendlier air.

"Tes-" Mathew started with annoyance.

"It's okay," Eifion said, picking up some of the items he needed, having already decided to leave the rest for another time. "Just these," he said, dropping them onto the counter noisily.

"What's wrong with you now?" Mathew asked in a harsh whisper.

Eifion shot a look at Tesni, who was still standing behind him in her she-shall-not-be-moved stance. She gave a loud sigh and turned to examine some measuring tapes, to give them the smallest hint of privacy.

"Look, that was all her-"

"How old is she even?" Eifion asked.

"She wanted to meet up tonight and I said _no._ "

"Right."

"She's like obsessed with me, Eifion."

Leaving a couple of notes on the counter, Eifion took his stuff and left, shaking his head.

"This isn't enough!" Mathew called out after him, but Eifion let the doors shut - on him and his latest heterosexual melodrama. (He very nearly got whacked by the village Tony Soprano wannabe after Mathew's last mess, and not at all in a good way.)

His first cousin once removed was a twat.

 

Storming out of the builders' shop, Eifion considered not even going back to Penrhewl. Usually, whatever he was doing on the farm could distract him, but he needed something more distracting-

"Eifion, are you okay?!"

He looked up, from being about to take his phone out of his pocket, at the familiar teacherly voice.

"What?" Eifion asked, tucking it back into his pocket. "Sorry, yeah-"

"You have a face like thunder on you," Ffion pressed the issue further, as Eifion wondered whether she was about to ( _again_ ) try to convince him to come to her mindfulness sessions, having become an expert after two weeks in Thailand. Ffion sighed thoughtfully. "Today is difficult for me too, but I hope you're not getting yourself into more trouble."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Eifion asked uncomfortably.

"Well, you know, after the stunt you pulled the other week at APD - you weren't fighting with Dai again, were you?"

"Oh - no," he answered, trying to hide his sense of relief.

"Right, well... you know what helps me on days like this-"

"Uh, sorry Ffion, I have to go." Eifion rushed past her, making up some excuses about how much work he had to do on the farm. Ffion shrugged, said her goodbyes, and thankfully continued walked the other way, as Eifion sighed with relief at his lucky escape.

Again, he reached down for his phone, opened the Grindr app and typed out a message to Sam (which he knew was not his real name, like John was not his) - could he meet tonight? Today? Now, even?

But he was interruped by another voice, this time a man's.

"Eifion" Colin shouted out for him, interrupting his Grindr-related ponderings.

"What?!" he asked, reluctantly looking back up from his phone.

Colin looked at him taken aback.

"Sorry," Eifion sighed. "Look, I have to get back to Penrhewl, sorry."

"Oh, it's okay," Colin said, instantly waving it away. "It's just - I was wondering if you've seen-"

"No, I haven't seen Britt. Sorry, I'll see you, yeah?"

As Colin hesitated, what he wanted to tell Eifion on the tip of his tongue. But as Eifion walked away, a customer called Colin back into the shop.

Eifion stopped, looked back and checked that Colin was out of sight before circling back around the shop. He could still use the back entrance to the flat and avoid Colin entirely, still having the key from staying with Mathew, and his old bed being still empty.

His thumb hovered over the send button on his mobile phone as he walked through the alleyway.

"Eifion!"

He heard the voice before he saw him. His heart jumped before he even had to looked up.

But he did look up and saw him standing there expectantly.

Alun.


	2. Pennod 2 yn Gymraeg

“Pam wyt ti ‘ma?” Gofynnodd Eifion.

“Pam wyt ti’n credu?” Oedd ateb Alun; oedd e bron â chwerthin.

Edrychodd Eifion i’r drws tu ôl, ac wedyn nôl i Alun yn dryslyd.

“Wy’n sori,” meddai Alun wedyn, o ddifri.

“Beth sydd ‘da ti i fod yn sori drosto?”

“Wel, wedais ti nag o’ ti eisiau fy weld i - byth eto.”

“Reit?” Meddai Eifion, yr euogrwydd yn dangos ar ei wyneb.

“A… fi ‘ma.” Meddai Alun, yn codi ei esgwyddau.

Deallodd Eifion. “Na. Fi sy’n sori… Wir, yn sori.” Edrychodd e nôl at Alun mewn ddifri.

“Pam ‘ti ddim y fy wahardd i fewn ‘te?” Gofynodd Alun iddo, efo awgrym o wên ar ey wyneb.

“O – wel...” Ystyriodd Eifion ddweud iddo nag oedd e’n byw yna rhagor, ond fe wnaeth rhywbeth ei ddal e nôl - wrth ddweud y gwir, fel oedd e aml yn.

Yn lle ddweud y gwir, wrth gwrs, cerddodd Eifion i’r drws, tsiecio nag oedd Colin mewn golwg, ac wedyn rhoi cynig i Alun i’w ddilyn e i fewn, a lan y grisiau. Fe wnaeth e dilyn.

“Wel,” meddai Alun, wrth gerdded trwy’r drws. “Hoffwn i ddweud does dim wedi newid, ond… mae llawer mwy o annibendod 'ma na wy’n gofio.”

“O, na-“ Troiodd Eifion iddo, o du ôl y cownter.

“Dal yn… boddi dy dristwch?” Gofynnodd Alun yn ofalus.

“Na, Mathew sy’n biau rheina – a’r holl annibendod.” Dechreuodd e daclusio, yn cuddio'r embaras ar ei wyneb.

“Mathew?” Holodd Alun, efo chwilfrydedd cudd.

“Ie, fi wedi ‘weud iddo fe ond - ie, ti'n gwybod, mae fe’n ifanc…”

“O, ydy e?” Holodd Alun, bron yn graenu ei ddanedd.

Edrychodd Eifion i fyny ar Alun a sylweddoli ar y golwg ddigansymiol yna o genfigen. “O, na,” chwerddodd e, i embaras Alun. “Rili, na,” meddai wrth daflu sbwriel i’r bin. “Cefnder i fi yw Mathew – wel, mab i gefnder.” Meddyliodd Eifion am y golygfa heterorywiol a cherddodd e mewn arno ynghynt.

“O, reit,” ymatebodd Alun, yn ceisio cuddio ei deimlad o ryddhad (a’n ffaelu – sylwodd Eifion yn syth.)

“Pam?” Holodd Eifion, fodd bynnag, yn colli’r esgus o wneud rhywbeth gyda’i dwylo, wrth sortio sbwriel Mathew.

“Wel, na fyddef e’n fy synnu i dy weld gyda rhywun newydd,” meddai Alun.

“Ife a beth ti ‘di bod yn wneud ers-“ _Ers fi,_ meddyliodd Eifion, ond dim ddweud yna. “Ers… i ni gweld ein gilydd diwetha’.”

“Beth?” Holodd Alun, yn felltigedig. “Prowlo am twinks?”

“Ife ‘na beth ti’n credu fi ‘di bod yn wneud?” Gofynnodd Eifion, gyda’i ddwylo ar ei liniau.

“Nage!” Atebodd Alun yn syth. “Wel, ‘falle am funud fynna, ond-“

“Ti sy’n licio’r… dynion ieuangaf.” Doedd Eifion ddim gallu dod â’i hun i ailadrodd y gair ‘twinks.’

“Ocê, gyda phob parch, Eifion, dwyt ti ddim yn llawer ieuangaf.” Pwysleisiodd Alun y gair olaf i wneud hwyl ar anghysur Eifion â’r gair ‘twinks’ ( _aros nes oedd e’n clywed am ‘bears’._ )

“Oi,” stopodd Eifion Alun rhag ddweud mwy. “O’n i’n meddwl fwy am Iolo.”

“Technically, ‘dyw e ddim yn un chwaith.” Meddai Alun.

“Ocê, ‘sdim rhaid i ti esbonio dy holl … iaith hoyw fi - fi ‘di bod ar Grindr, Alun.”

“Dim yn synnu fi chwaith,” atebodd Alun, gyda wên. ( _Falle oedd e’n gwybod am bears, ‘te_.) “'Na beth ti ‘di bod yn wneud, ‘te? Ers o’n ni ‘da’i gilydd?”

Yn awtomatig, oedd Eifion eisiau ei gywiro – nad oedden nhw byth ‘gyda’i gilydd,’ dim yn iawn, pan oedd Eifion _gyda_ Cadno.

Oedd Alun gallu dyfalu beth oedd ar feddwl Eifion, wrth iddo wedi gymryd y risg o roi’r geiriau yna mas yna. Ac oedd e’n swnio’n iawn – i Alun, oedd e yn sicr teimlo fel oedd e ac Eifion wedi bod gyda’i gilydd. Oedd e’n teimlo'n iawn pan daeth y geiriau mas o’i wefusau, am y tro gyntaf, ac efallai am yr unig tro, fel oedd e’n teimlo’n iawn i gael ‘Eifion’ ar ei wefusau eto, i deimlo fe mas ar ei dafod, a chael clywed e’n dod o’i geg –

“Fi ‘di bod yn cwrdd â dyn o Grindr,” wedodd Eifion yn sydyn, gyda rhywfaint o ryddhad i gael ddweud y peth oedd e wedi bod yn cuddio nawr, fel oedd e’n cuddio Alun cyn hynny – ac yn cuddio Alun ar ôl dod mas (neu cael ei gwthio mas) hyd yn oed, wrth weld ei rywioldeb ynddo fe, yn teimlo fe wrth edrych arno fe, a bron yn ei gasau am hynna.

“Wyt ti’n cuddio fe, eto?” Oedd Alun yn gwybod yr ateb yn barod. “Nôl yn y cornelu tywyll na ‘to, ife?”

“’Sdim rhaid i ni mynd i _gay bars_ , oes e? ‘Sdim rhaid i ni mynd mas yn showan off beth ni’n wneud, nagoes e?”

“Dim ‘showan off’ yw e, Eifion, ond bod yn browd o bwy wyt ti.”

“Prowd o beth? Fi fod yn falch o fy mywyd i fel hyn? Yn cwrdd â dynion sai’n hyd yn oed yn nabod, siwr o fod ddim yn licio am unrhyw ond am _‘na_. Sai’n hyd yn oed yn gwybod ei enw iawn e – na’n defnyddio enw fy hunan!”

“Eifion,” meddai Alun yn feddal, yn ei stopio ei ‘tirade’ e, wedi gerdded o amgylch y cownter, i’w ochr e - wedi roi ei law arno fe, a’r dau yn teimlo’r cyffwrdd cyfarwydd yna.

Stopiodd teimlad Eifion o banig yna, o hunan-gasineb – neu, o leiaf oedd e wedi am nawr.

Edrychon nhw ar ei gilydd. Oedd distawrwydd am funud, nid lleiaf ym mhen Eifion. Ond oedd e eisiau fe sut gymaint –

“Oeddech chi mynd i gwrdd fan hyn?” Gofynnodd Alun, yn gweld ffôn Eifion ar y cownter.

“Beth?” Holodd Eifion, yn cael ei tynnu mas o’i deimladau eto. “Na,” Atebodd Eifion, yn ansicr fodd bynnag. “Mae… ‘na rhywle ni’n arfer cwrdd.”

“A, _rendezvous_ go iawn ‘te?” Meddai Alun, yn chwerw. “Sori, o'n i'n dim yn meddwl... Pam dim fan hyn?”

“Wel, Mathew, am un peth.”

“A?” Gwthiodd Alun e i ddweud mwy.

“Beth?”

“Eifion, wy’n gwybod ‘so ti’n byw fan hyn rhagor – wedodd Colin i fi gynnau.”

“... Wel, beth wedais ti i Colin?” Holodd Eifion, ddim yn gallu helpu becso.

“Oes ots?” Gofynnodd Alun, yn annifyr.

“Oes!” Atebodd Eifion, fodd bynnag. “Oedd e’n edrych fel oedd e’n gwybod – fel oedd e’n gallu dyfalu amdano... ti a fi?”

“Ni, ti’n meddwl. A na. Ond mae fe’n gwybod bod ti’n hoyw, nagyw e?”

“Paid, Alun,” meddai Eifion, yn troi i ffwrdd. Tynnodd e i ffwrdd o dan llaw Alun, dan y teimlad o’i lygaid llawn consyrn.

“Does neb yn gwybod pwy ges i affêr gyda. Ond Iolo a Tyler… A Cadno.”

“A ti a fi,” adiodd Alun, y chwerwder nôl yn ei llais.

“Ie, a ti a fi.” Ailadroddodd Eifion.

“Ond dwyt ti ddim eisiau neb arall gwybod taw fi o’t ti’n cael affêr ‘da?” Chwerddodd Alun. “Waw, anghofiais i sut wyt ti’n un mor dalentog am wneud i ddyn teimlo yn spesial.”

“’Dyw e ddim amdano ti!” Taflodd Eifion y geiriau nôl yn wyneb Alun â wedodd e iddo fe unwaith.

Troiodd Eifion i ffwrdd, dim yn gallu wynebu e – dim o fe.

“Pam wedais ti dim am byw nôl ym Mhenrewl nawr?” Gofynodd Alun, yn torri’r tawelwch.

“Ti’n gwybod,” oedd unig ymateb Eifion, dal yn edrych i ffwrdd.

“Cywilydd?” Gofynnodd Alun.

“Beth?” Ysgwydodd Eifion ei ben.

“Cywilydd am guddio eto, yn eu bywyd heterorywiol nhw,” esboniodd Alun. “Fel ti’n teimlo cywilydd amdanon _ni_ pan ti mewn ei byd nhw.”

“Na!” Troiodd Eifion nôl ato fe. “Dim… ti yw e… Na ni.”

“Wedyn beth?” Gwthiodd Alun, ond gyda ofal.

“Sai’n gallu goddef meddwl amdanyn nhw… yn meddwl amdanon ni,” cyfaddodd Eifion o’r diwedd, yn ceisio cael gafael ar y geiriau iawn, i esbonio'r teimlad.

“Sut ‘yt ti’n meddwl?” Gofynnodd Alun, eisiau deall. Rhododd ei law ar gefn Eifion, yn gefnogol – yn ddiogel. Anghofiodd e am ei gracter wrth deimlo ei gynesrwydd sigledig.

“Mae fe’n wahanol – i ni… dau dyn. Os maen nhw’n edrych ar dyn a menyw ‘da’i gilydd, ‘sneb yn meddwl amdano fe… Mae’n digon i ddelio ‘da pan maen nhw’n ffeindio mas ti’n cysgu ‘da dyn o gwbl, neu dynion hyd yn oed. Ond i wybod pa dyn – maen nhw’n gallu dychmygu e wedyn. Ti a fi, ni, gyda’n gilydd.”

“Nagyw beth arall maen nhw’n dychmygu yn waeth?”

Wrth i Eifion meddwl am y dynion i gyd, y tsieto i gyd, nad oedd e’n credu gall pobl dychmygu lot waeth amdano fe na’r realiti.

“Beth yw’r waetha' gall digwydd?” Gofynodd Alun yn dawel.

“Cadno’n gadael fi ‘da’r plant ‘falle,” meddai Eifion, fel oedd e’n amlwg.

“Wel, mae hwnna wedi digwydd. Beth arall gall digwydd nawr?”

“Beth, fel cael i daflu mas o fan hyn? Colli fy waith? Cael i ymosod arno’n homoffobig ar y cae rygbi?” Rhestrodd Eifion y pethau eraill oedd wedi digwydd iddo ers i bobl dod i gwybod am ei rywioldeb.

“Beth?” Stopodd Alun e. “O’t ti’n iawn?” Daeth ei gafael arno fe yn dynnaf.

“Ie, oedd e’n edrych yn lot waeth ‘na fi ar ôl ‘ny.”

“Wrth gwrs oedd e,” meddai Alun gyda wên. Daliodd e wyneb Eifion, ddim yn gallu stopio ei hun wrth wybod beth oedd e wedi bod trwyddi, ben ei hunan. Edrychodd e mewn i’w lygaid brown, dwfn.

“Mae’r gwaetha wedi digwydd,” wedodd e wrth Eifion, o ddifri. “Wy’n addo. A wnes ti dod trwyddi fe i gyd. Byddet ti _bob_ amser yn dod trwyddo fe, i’r ochr arall. A wy’n browd o ti, hyd yn oed os nag ’yt ti’n browd o dy hunan.” Sgleiniodd lygaid Eifion wrth edrych arno fe. “Y peth gwaetha’ gall digwydd nawr yw… beth bynnag arall wnaeth digwydd, bydd rhywun gyda ti wrth dy ochr. Gallen ni, ‘da’i gilydd, dod trwyddo e geyd… Os gallet ti jyst gadael i ‘na digwydd – gadael i fi –“

Stopodd Eifion e yn ganol ei frawddeg, ei geg yn teimlo am geg Alun, ei law ar ei wyneb nawr, yn dal wrtho fe a’n ei gusanu yn ddwfn. Rhododd ei fraich o’i amgylch a thynnu Alun yn agos.


	3. Chapter 2 in English

 

"Why are you here?" Eifion asked.

"Why do you think?" Was Alun's response, with the a chuckle.

Looking to the door behind him and then back at Alun, Eifion tried to make sense of this, and the confused feelings that were boiling inside of him.  
  
"I'm sorry," Alun said then, seriously.  
  
"What... do you have to be sorry for?"  
  
"Well, you said that you didn't want to see me - ever again."  
  
"Right?" Eifion replied, the flush on his face giving away his feeling of guilt.  
  
"And ... here I am," Alun said, with an exaggerated shrug.  
  
Eifion understood. "No. I'm sorry... Really, sorry." He looked at Alun, considering him for a moment - considering this, the situation he never expected but...  
  
"Why don't you invite me in then?" Alun asked him, with the hint of smile creeping onto his face.  
  
"Oh - well..." Eifion considered telling him that he wasn't living here any more, but something held him back - from telling the truth, as it often did.  
  
Instead of telling him the truth, of course, Eifion walked to the door, checked that Colin was out of sight, and then motioned for Alun to follow him, inside, and up the stairs. And he did follow.  
  
"Well," said Alun, as he walked through the door. "I'd like to say it hasn't  changed, much but ... there's much more of a mess than I remember, for one thing."  
  
"Oh, no-" Eifion turned to him, from behind the counter.  
  
"Still... drowning your sorrows?" Alun asked carefully.  
  
"No, they're Mathew's - and all of this mess." He began to tidy up after him, hiding the embarrassment on his face.  
  
"Mathew?" Alun asked, with a curiosity he was trying to hide.  
  
"Yes, I've told him before - but you know, he's young ..."  
  
"Oh, is he?" Alun asked, almost gritting his teeth.  
  
Eifion looked up at Alun and recognised that unmistakable look of jealousy. "Oh, no," he laughed, to Alun's embarrassment. "Really, no," he said as he tossed the rubbish in the bin. "Mathew is my cousin - well, my cousin's son." Eifion thought about the grossly heterosexual scene that he had walked in on earlier.  
  
"Oh, right," Alun responded, trying to hide his relief (and failed, as Eifion spotted it immediately - what he was looking for, though.)  
  
"Why?" Eifion asked, though, partly fishing, partly hoping, already missing the excuse to be doing something with his hands, by sorting through Mathew's rubbish.  
  
"Well, I wouldn't be surprised to see you with someone else," said Alun. Eifion wasn't sure what to think of that.  
  
"Is that what you've been doing since-?" _Since me_ , Eifion thought, but didn't say it. "Since ... we last saw each other."  
  
"What?" Alun asked, mischievously. "Prowling for twinks?"  
  
"Is that what you think I've been doing?" Eifion asked, with his hands on his sides.  
  
"No!" Alun replied immediately. "Well, maybe for a minute there, but-"  
  
"It's you who's into ... younger men." Eifion could not get himself to repeat the word 'twinks'.  
  
"Okay, with all due respect, Eifion, you are not much younger." Alun said, putting emphasis on the last word to make fun of Eifion's discomfort with the word 'twinks' ( _wait until he heard about 'bears'_ ).  
  
"Oi," Eifion stopped Alun from continuing. "I was thinking more about Iolo."  
  
"Technically, he's not one either." Alun said.  
  
"Okay, you don't have to explain all of your ... gay language for me - I've been on Grindr, Alun."  
  
"That doesn't surprise me," Alun smiled. ( _He did know about bears, then.)_ "So that's what you've been doing then? Since we were together?"  
  
Automatically, Eifion wanted to correct him - they were never _'together'_ , not properly, not when Eifion was _with_ Cadno.  
  
And Alun could guess what was going through Eifion's mind, having taken the calculated risk of putting those words out there. And it sounded right - to Alun, it entirely felt like he and Eifion had been together. He felt it in the pain of them not being together... But it felt right when those words came out of his lips, finally, for the first time, and possibly the last - it felt right to have Eifion on his lips again, to feel him on his tongue, to hear from coming from his mouth -  
  
"I've been meeting a man from Grindr," Eifion said suddenly, with an instant feeling of ... relief, to get out what he now had been hiding, like he had hidden Alun before - and had hid Alun after he came out even (or, rather, after he was pushed out). Seeing his sexuality in him, feeling it when he looked at him, and nearly loathing him for it.  
  
"And you're hiding it, again?" Alun knew the answer already. "Back in those dark corners, right?'  
  
"What, like we have to go to gay bars? Because you do - we have to be gay _like_ you, even? As if you even always were. And we have to go out and show off what we do?'  
  
"It's not 'showing off,' Eifion, it's being proud of who you are!"  
  
"Proud of what? I'm meant to be proud of my life like this? Meeting men I don't even know, who I probably don't even like for anything other than _that_. I don't even know his name - or use my own name, either!"  
  
"Eifion." Alun spoke softly, stopping his tirade, as he walked around the counter, to his side - as put his hand on him, and as they both felt that familiar touch again. Just felt it.

Eifion's feelings of panic, self-hatred, stopped - or at least they did for now.  
  
They looked at each other. There was quiet, for a minute, not least in Eifion's mind. And God he wanted him so much -  
  
"Were you going to meet here?" Alun asked, as he looked at Eifion's phone on the surface of the counter.  
  
"What?" Eifion asked, being pulled out of his feelings again. "No," he replied, unsure however. "There's ... somewhere we usually go to meet."  
  
"Ah, a proper _rendezvous_?" Alun said, the bitterness returning to his voice, which he was himself taken aback by. "Sorry, I didn't mean ... Why not here?"  
  
"Well, Matthew, for one thing," Eifion said, remaining guarded.  
  
"And?" Alun asked, pushing him to say more.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Eifion, I know you don't live here any more - Colin told me earlier."  
  
"... Well, what did you say to Colin?" Eifion asked - he couldn't help himself.  
  
"Does it matter?" Alun asked. His confusion at Eifion's priorities showed in his furrowed brow.  
  
"Yes!" Eifion nevertheless replies. "Did he look like he knew - like he could guess ... about you and me?"  
  
" _Us..._ you mean. And no. But he does know you're gay, doesn't he? "  
  
"Don't, Alun," Eifion said, turning away. He pulled himself away, from under Alun's hand, from under the feeling of Alun's eyes on him, so full of concern.  
  
"Nobody knows who I had an affair with. Except Iolo and Tyler ... A Cadno. "  
  
"And you and me," Alun said, the bitterness back in his voice.  
  
"Yes, and you and me." Eifion repeated quietly.  
  
"But you don't want anyone else to know it was me you were having an affair with?" Alun laughed. "Wow, I forgot how you _really_ know how to make a man feel special."  
  
"It's not about you!" Eifion threw the words back in Alun's face that he had said to him once.  
  
Eifion turned away, not able to face him - unable to face any of it.  
  
"Why didn't you just tell me about living back in Penrhewl now?" Alun asked, breaking the tense silence.  
  
"You know," was the only response from Eifion, who still looked away.  
  
"Shame?" Asked Alun.  
  
"What?" Eifion looked at him then but shook his head.  
  
"Ashamed of the sneaking about again, of hiding yourself in _their_ heterosexual life," explained Alun. "Like you feel ashamed of _us_ when you're in their world?"  
  
"No!" Eifion turned back to him. "It's not... you... Or us."  
  
"Then what?" Alun pushed, carefully.  
  
"I can't bare thinking about them ... thinking about us," Eifion finally admitted, trying to grasp the right words to explain the feeling.  
  
"How do you mean?" Alun asked, wanting to understand. He returned a hand onto Eifion's body, on his back, magnetically, his arm partially around him, securely - safely. He forgot his anger as he felt Eifion's shaky warmth.  
  
"It's different - for us ... for two men. If they look at ... a man and a woman together, nobody thinks about it ... It's enough to deal with when they find out you're sleeping with a man at all, or men even. But if they know which man - they can see it then, imagine it. You and me, us, together. "  
  
"Isn't what else they'd imagine worse?" Alun asked, trying to understand Eifion's neuroses.  
  
As Eifion thought of all the men, all of the cheating, he did not think that people could imagine anything much worse about him than the reality.  
  
"What's the worst that can happen?" Alun asked quietly.  
  
"Cadno leaving me, with the children maybe," Eifion siad, as if it was obvious.  
  
"Well, that has happened. What else can happen now? "  
  
"What, like getting thrown out of here? Losing my job? Getting attacked by a homophobic thug on the rugby field?" Eifion listed the other things that had happened to him since people had found out about his sexuality.  
  
"What?" Alun stopped him, his voice full of concern. "Were you okay?" He tightened his hold on him.  
  
"Yeah... he came out of it looking a lot worse than me, obviously," Eifion said with a slightly forced smile.  
  
"Of course he did," Alun said with a smile. He held Eifion's face in his other hand - couldn't stop himself knowing now, knowing what he had been through, alone. He looked into his deep, brown eyes.  
  
"The worst has happened," he told Eifion, seriously. "I promise. And you came through all of it. You will _always_ come through it, to the other side. And I'm proud of you, even if you're not a proud of yourself." Eifion's eyes shone as he looked at him. "The worst thing that can happen now is ... whatever else happens, you won't go through it alone... but with someone with you, by your side, _on_ your side, always. We can get through all of it, together ... If you could just let it happen - let me -"  
  
Eifion stopped him mid-sentence, his mouth feeling for Alun's mouth, his hand on his face now, holding him and kissing him deeply. He put an arm around Alun and drew him close.


	4. Pennod 3 - Cymraeg

Mewn distawrwydd cynnes, gorweddodd y ddau, rhwng ddalenau chwyslyd. Breichiau, a rhannau eraill o'i ddau corff, o'i amgylch ei gilydd ym mhob ffordd. Yn ddiofal, cyfforddus, naturiol.

Pwy oedd yn becso nawr am y byd tu fas? Doedden nhw, y tu allan, ddim fan hyn. Ni all eu beirniadaeth, eu clecs, cyrraedd y ddau fan hyn, dim yn y lle diogel oedd y dau wedi creu i'w gilydd, dim ond wrth bod gyda'i gilydd. Yn syml, mewn gwirionedd...

Fel wnaeth Alun sibrwd mewn i glust Eifion, wrth iddo ei wthio mewn i'w hen ystafell, os oedden nhw'n mynd i ddychmygu y dau ohoni nhw gyda'i gilydd...

'Gad i ni rhoi rhywbeth i nhw meddwl amdano. I siarad amdano.' Fel nad oedd Eifion wedi rhoi mwy 'na digon iddyn nhw gyd i siarad amdano, dros y flynyddoedd.

Ond, wel, bydden nhw bob amser yn siarad am rywbeth, am rywun.

Oedd Alun hyd yn oed yn gwybod hynny, wrth fod gyda Iolo. Ond doedd e ddim yn becso pryd hynny beth oedden nhw'n meddwl amdano fe - cael bod yn hapus, i fod yn e ei hun, oedd e'n becso am. A dyna oedd e dal yn becso amdano, fel dysgoedd e i pryd hynny.

Nad oedd unrhyw cywilydd yn perthyn iddo wrth i Eifion tynnu fe i lawr gydag ef i'r gwely. Os oedd Eifion dal yn teimlo fe, efallai wrth iddyn nhw orwedd ar y gwely fe rhannodd e gyda'i cyn partner... Wnaeth Alun yn siwr i gael gwared ar ei bryderon, pob awgrym negyddol yn ei ben, yn ei gorff, wrth iddo osod cusan ar ol cusan dros ei gorff, ar ei groen boeth, yn llyfn ar ei wefusau ei hun.

Rhegoedd Eifion o dan ei lais wrth iddo defnyddio ei geg, yn wlyb ac agored, i lawr ei groen, dros bob dro, pob modfedd o'i gwnawd, yn cyrraedd pob ran o fe, yn ofalus, amyneddgar a'n anhunanol. Yn araf wrth iddo dychwelyd i gorff Eifion, mewn mwynhad pur yn gwrando ar y dyn arall yn cwynfanan o bleser. Meddyliodd e bod e'n gallu teimlo'r cywilydd yn dianc o'i ymennydd e, i'w newid am rywbeth arall yn llwyr... 

Cusannodd e fe, eto, i wneud yn siwr oedd e yma, yn y moment, yn y fan hon, gydag ef i gyd. Ymatebodd Eifion yn gadarnhaol, heb feddwl, ei gorff yn cymryd drosodd a'n siarad drosto fe. Dalodd e arno i Alun, ei freichiau o'i amgylch, yn ei dynnu yn dynn iddo, eu cyrff yn hollol yngyd, yn eu rhythmau a'u cyffwrdd, wrth i'r ddau cyrraedd at uchafbwynt o wynfyd, fel ymestyn gyda'i gilydd am y nefoedd.

Ac yna gorweddodd. Anadl drwm yn llenwi'r ystafell, ond oedden nhw ddau wedi yn barod stopio becso am pwy gall ei glywed nhw a'u seiniau o bleser.

Er, wrth i'r boddhad yna codi yn ei feddwl, doedd Eifion ddim yn gallu stopio ei hun rhag becso... Beth os...?

Ond yna teimlodd e wefusau Alun ar ei wyneb eto, ei law oedd yn dal arno fe yn tynnu fel nol - yn tynnu fe nol iddo fe, i fan hyn, eto.


End file.
